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i  need help.

these urges are slipping through my grasping fingers, falling to the grond, flakes of ash drifting from a ruined fire. it's all i have to hold to the things that i promised myself when i first came here... i can't find another way.

i can't tell my family. i won't tell my friends. and my sisters all already have enough to deal with.

how do you turn something like this down? she couldn't, didn't want to. i never could, either, but now it's so much worse...

i won't go back to the pills. i won't go back to being empty and numb, a careless dummy pulled about by strings that weren't there before the drugs.

i won't allow myself to fall that low again.

 but it's so hard, so incredibly hard to try and ignore it, and go about my life, pretending that it's not there, that it won't be there, humming in my blood, as soon as i am alone.

i struggle to not give in to being alone... but i've never been wildly social.

i can't win this fight. 

but... i will try.

i can't help but be like imri... it hurts so bad to try and hide this.

and then there's the agony... it's all i can do to keep this longing down.

there must be something wrong with me...

i'm dying,

just like everyone else.

sharing days as sisters do


It’s strange to have gone so long without having spoken to you. I miss talking to you so much… but it’s not as hard as it first was. I had a terrible time then, when I didn’t really know anyone… All I wanted was to come home.

I can’t imagine leaving here now.

I got bid on by the sorority that I wanted---AΣΑ---and of course I accepted. And, even with this damn brace on, I still sprinted to my sisters. It meant that much to me, and they were really proud that I did.

I’m really surprised how much they wanted me there. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t think that they didn’t want me or anything, but the things that they did, the lengths that they went to…

The things they said to me, and did for me, just make my heart hurt so much. How is it possible to love someone that you’ve never met before so much?

I mean, Jen, my temporary mom (we don’t get a real mom yet, that’s coming soon though…), made vegetarian snacks and foods. That’s really sweet… She’s vegetarian herself, but that she thought of that just… A whole bunch of the girls there, Jen, Danielle, HP, HD, Lisa, and Jesse, at least, were hoping---no, praying---that I’d come to them, that I’d join AΣΑ, that they could please just have this one girl. I heard from Danielle that Lisa, when the sisters were first discussing the Round 1 girls, said I was “the shit” when I was first brought into the conversation, and that all of the other girls said, “I know!” I’ve been told that they were determined to have me, right from the get-go, and that they fought really hard for me… they must have fought with ΧΩ, because I highly doubt that AΦ wanted me bad enough to fight for me. Already at Meeting, people are putting in to Mr. Sunshine for me; I’m the only Pearl who got a note that wasn’t just generic… They even decorated my door. They made me signs and hung them everywhere.

And that’s just the beginning of it, really. I’ve only known them for a week, and already I can’t imagine life without them.

They say that they knew, as soon as I walked through the door.

They knew that I’d be one of theirs, a new sister, and all I’d done was walk in. Before I even spoke, before I sat or took a breath.

They knew.

Danielle told me last night that it seems like I’ve always been around. You know what I mean? Like I’d always been there, like she’d come in and I was already there. Jen says that she’s glad I’m here, that I’m just the right type and amount of randomness for her, and that I’m too kind to everyone… she thinks it’s cute (she’s actually very kind, too, though she doesn’t sound like it.).

They tell me that they were being so careful with those of us that they knew about last week. I mean, they were careful with everyone, but they took extra care with those of us that they recognized as sisters. They put us with the people who were enough like us to have things to talk about, and then they let us be, let us figure out things on our own. They treated all of us the same, but they knew who to match us with to make us comfortable.

I can’t describe what I’m trying to say. I just can’t. I hate this.


I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m bragging… I don’t mean to. It’s just, they’re changing me so much, so fast… I’m trying to share how much it means.

I really wish you could meet all of them, my sisters, and that you were doing these things with me too.


I wish that you were here. I really miss you a lot, since we don’t seem able to speak to each other any more.

I wish we were still close.

I wish you were in my chapter, here with me and my sisters.

I wish…

I wish so many things.


So here’s my lifelong list

My grown up Christmas list

Not for myself but for a world in need…


No more lives torn apart

That wars will never start

That time will heal all hearts

And everyone would have a friend

That right would always win

That love would never end…

burned in me through time

 i think i broke my fucking knee.

i can barely move it.

i can't walk on it at all.

i hate rollerblades. and hills.

i can't sleep.

just toss and turn in the blankets in pain... 

i think that's my knee cap that i can see. 
So! Here is it, my first post from my brand-new laptop! 

No I admit, it's not the most up-to-date version, but it's new from the store and it does a wonderful job with the stuff I've tried thus far. It's also got Vista, which is throwing me off a little... I kwwp having to find things all over again, and setting all of this stuff up has been a really interesting thing to try. Dad's had to save me a coupla times already...

Anyways, that's all for now... I leave for college in one week and two days, and I'll tell you, I'm excited!



I guess it shouldn't matter so much, you know? It shouldn't matter. FACT: Prom sucked. 
FACT: No one cares.

The girls are all asleep in the other room, the way I should be, and yet it seems that I've no need for it. Well, it's not the need that I lack, but once again, the ability.
I don't want to sleep tonight because I'm afraid of what I'll see behind my eyes.

I talked to Beth tonight---it was a lovely surprise to see her, I will admit---and she and I figured some stuff out. It was good to talk about, but I guess it was a sure-fire way to make me too introspective to feel the need to participate. And I was honestly too crowd-sensitive, too, if I'm being brutally honest... I couldn't have handled more than a few short minutes in the room, in contact with so many people. I mean, even when I was sitting in the hall I was hyperaware, honing in on things I didn't need to know about.

It kinda sucked, too, because I didn't have a date. That's not even really it, though... it was just really awkward, being in a group with four other couples. And the one person who went stag was... well, not a person that I thought I'd be interested in. I mean, we get along all right, but...
My whole group wants us to hook up, but when I asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime he kinda hedged and said he was going to get drunk that day. And he, I guess, doesn't want to ask me... I'm not surprised. I mean, I've only had one person ever be interested in me, and look at who he turned out to be when I wasn't watching!

I'm pissed, too, and hurt, because every time I went to dance with a group of friends, they'd all just up and leave me there, sitting alone... Another good reason to stop dancing, I suppose.
And my sleepover fell through, pretty much. Oh, I mean, Mandi, Lena, and Kelli stayed, but... Christina (whom I didn't expect to stay but was hoping for) and Devin (and Becky, if you want to get technical, though she only said she would try) just up and left.
But, what the hell. 

It shouldn't matter so much, you know? It shouldn't matter.

The thoughts in my mind
Command my lips to say I hate you
The thoughts in my mind
Command my hands to cut your silken flesh
The thoughts in my mind
Command my feet to stomp your head
The thoughts in my mind have one question
When will this ever end?

Not much to the life I live
Same four walls
I have nothing left to give
Please take it all away
Same four walls

The thoughts from my mind
Feel the pain as rats claw at my flesh
The thoughts from my mind
Feel the joy as the needle hits my vein
The thoughts from my mind
Smell the stench as shit runs down my leg
The thoughts from my mind ask for sanity
Now for this I beg

Chorus (altered 1)
Not much to the life I live
Same four walls
I have nothing left to give
Please take it all away
Same four walls (2x)

My mind
Is like today
Damp, dark, dreary
As the rain falls outside, beating
Going the ground
I can feel it
Slipping away
Dying, around decay
Dying, like my soul
From the inside out
I can only pray
It won't be long
it won't be long now
It can't be long
It can't be long now
Help me

Where do I go from here?

The thoughts from my mind
Command my lips to say I hate you
The thoughts from my mind
Command my hands to cut your silken flesh
The thoughts from my mind
Command my feet to stomp your head
The thoughts from my mind have one question
When will I be dead?

Chorus (altered 2)
This is the life I have to live
Same four walls
I have nothing left to give
Please take it all away
This is the life I have to live
Same four walls
I have nothing left to give
Please take it all away
Same four walls (4x)

There's nothing left for me....


came home murdered peace of mind

It should be known that I hate my extended family with a passion, and very few exceptions, at this moment.

Bri, Jacqulin, and Victo were over here today, with Unca Slick. Him and Mom (and Seth, for a while, until Mom got too tired and irritated at how very little work ethic he posseses and told him to get the hell away from her, at which he went and sulked upstairs all evening) and I laid out the patio. Hopefully we'll get the compactor tomorrow, and we can pack the slag in and mix up some cement and be done with this shit.

Anyways. Back to why I hate my extended family.

Basically, once they got here, I got delegated to the role of babysitter. Never mind the fact that Bri's in high school next year; obviously, they can't handle being left alone. 

So I basically spent the afternoon and evening, up until about a half hour ago, trying to fend off one disaster after another.

First it was Victo. The youngest (and only boy), he's disgustingly spoiled. He's the Brat of the family now. Anyway, he was trying to kick over the Jenga tower, so I basically took him aside to try and talk to him about it. I ended up kicking him out of the house. Out of this exchange, I got interesting bruises, my foot slammed in the front door, and a very angry attempt at closing my head in the door. Good thing the little bastard's only five.

Then it was Bri. The oldest (except for her half-sister, Holly, who's my age and whom I can't stand anymore), she used to be the Brat; she was much worse than he is... she used to bite people, and still did until she turned seven or eight. But she was badmouthing everything, which got poor little Jacqi (the middle child whom the Bratliness somehow missed... thank God) worked up. 

From there, Bri proceeded to hit her brother until he cried, then told him that he smelt bad and why didn't he ever wash his feet? Then she almost broke Jacqi's finger when Bri sat on her.

Unca Slick threatened to smack them all good, and Victo told my mother when she told him to SHUT THE DAMN DOOR NOW!!! that "I'm going to tell my mother on you!" 

That got Mom worked up again, and she started screaming at him.

Good idea, Mom. Screaming at a five year old. Real smart.

So throughout the day, I've collected a knot on my jaw from Jacqi's head, a bit tongue, several handfuls of bruises, a smashed foot, several smashed fingers (from attempted piano lessons), a massive headache (from the attempt at closing my head in the door), plenty of scratches, a massive stomachache from being kicked and bounced on, and ten toes that were smashed at least once apiece.

And during all of this, where was my darling little brother? Upstairs eating junk food, playing video games, and watching TV.

I'm going to kill the little shit.

God. And they're all coming back tomorrow...

Welcome to my life. Take a number and have a seat, and someday somebody will help you. If you're lucky.

Oh, and... NEWSFLASH!!! Dad says I might have to spend not one but two days with the little bastards. GREAT. Justhow I wanted to spend Memorial Day Weekend.

i'm no stranger

i'm a daughter of the race of cain indeed.

shed no tears for me
there'll be rain enough today
i'm wishing you godspeed
as i wave you on your way
this won't be the first time
i've stayed behind to face
the bitter consequences
of an ancient fall from grace
i'm a daughter of the race of cain
i am not a stranger to the rain

orphan in the storm 
that's a role i've played before
i've learned not to tremble 
when i hear the thunder roar
i don't curse what i can't change
i just play the hand i'm dealt
when they lighten up the rations
i just tighten up my belt
i won't say i've never feltthe pain
i am not a stranger to the rain

and somewhere far from safety 
there's a man who's walking free
his story isn't mine
but he's as much alone as me
and when the storm comes crashing on the plain
he will dance before the lightning before music sacred and profane

oh shed no tears for me
light no candle for my sake
this journey i'll be making
is one we all must make
shoulder to thie wind
i'll turn my face into the spray
and when the heavens open
let the drops fall where they may
if they finally wash away the stain
from the daughter of the race of cain
i am not a stranger to the rain

let it rain

[more later]

so what am I supposed to do now? 

Tonight was amazing. Not the show itself---that pretty much sucked, in my opinion. It was pretty good, I guess, but far from our best. Probably our funniest, and saddest, though.

It was Senior Song that made it so cool. I mean... I can't say that I know many of the kids I'm classed with from out there. I don't go out there, don't go to school with the rest of them. Other than Favs, I'm the only one from Churchill.

But we were all just standing there, under the lights, just singing and staring at each other through our tears, and all arms went around shoulders, and we cried... It sounded so bad, the song was so bad, we were so choked up that there's no way it could have sounded even remotely recognizable from the seniors, but I think that everyone knew anyways, everyone knew what we were trying, in our own way, to say.

six chances in ten it won't come back again

So. I'm terrified for it to be tomorrow.

I have to go in to the doctor's. I've got to get a TB test, which terrifies the shit out of me, and I've got probably three boosters that I missed at 14 that I need to get still. 

The hospital called my house. They don't know why I haven't had a period in more than a year, and they fon't know why my testosterone levels are so high.

I almost wish I would just drop dead where I stand. I can't take all of this stuff... and now the doctors are saying other things, things that I don't know if I can live with...

I've recently come to the conclusion that I will probably never bear children of my own. Looking back on my life, and knowing that diabetes is a recessive trait...I'm recessive for it, obviously... and if my husband is a carrier...

I can't inflict that on anyone, especially my own children. And to know that as I brought the babe into the world, I might be condemning him or her to have to deal with this... I can't do it. 

But Theresa and Katie and I were talking the other day, and Theresa and I thought that perhaps we might adopt. But Katie knows where I stand... She's blind from a rare and often far more damaging disease, and she and I agreed that we'd never be able to inflict that type of life on anyone... We're both, and I understand it, recessive for the traits that cause our respective diseases.

And even if one of my children wasn't diabetic, they'd carry the gene no matter what. It'd be their children to suffer, most likely; diabetes is notorius for skipping every other generation.

Too bad I'm the only one in my family, though.